Category: Joke Board
To Opera Lovers,
It has come to my attention that several people believe Mozart wrote, in
addition to The Magic Flute, an opera called The Magic Viola. This is
incorrect, and apparently the rumor is due to a coincidence of sounds. In
German, The Magic Flute is Die Zauberflote, while The Magic Viola would be
Die Zauberbratsche. In fact, Mozart's little known viola opera is called
Die Sauerbratschen, and it is verified by several unimpeachable sources
that he wrote it in the space of one evening during dinner in a really
dingy restaurant. Mozart wrote the libretto on napkins and the score on the
tablecloth -- an example of what is called Tafelmusik. The work was
actually performed in Salzburg along with The Constipation of the House
Special Overture, which also was composed in the same restaurant. The
similarity to English speakers of the pronunciation of the German Sauer and
Zauber has led to the Magic Viola misconception.
The opera was not successful, since it seems to have never been performed
again. It has no Koechel number and the tablecloth was apparently laundered
by mistake, removing the entire score (but leaving most of the stains).
Only a few napkins remain in the collections of various private individuals
and the summary of the opera given below, based only on those that could be
tracked down and deciphered, cannot be regarded as definitive.
Very truly yours,
David Van Blerkom
DIE SAUERBRATSCHEN
WOLFGANG AMADEUS MOZART
ACT 1
The king and queen of a fairy-tale like kingdom are devoted patrons of
music and loved by their subjects. The sad fact is that the couple is
childless and both they and the population want an heir to carry on the
royal line. After many years when it appears most unlikely, the queen
becomes pregnant through the ministrations of an in vitro alchemist. The
royal couple throw a great feast when the baby, a girl prophetically named
Violetta, is born. Among those they invite are the various music fairies;
the violin fairy, the cello fairy, the flute fairy, etc. Conspicuously
absent is the viola fairy, a terrible harridan, whose intonation is so bad
that musicians and audiences fall to the ground as if struck down. Not for
nothing is she known as The Trampler. After each fairy performs on her
instrument and sings about the joy of playing it, the group is about to
play a chamber work together when the viola fairy herself appears from the
bowels of earth along with a smell of sulfur and brimstone. The crowd
shrinks away from her as she takes center stage.
To everyone's horror The Trampler places a curse on the baby, to the effect
that before her sixteenth birthday, she will develop an obsession with the
viola and play it to the exclusion of all other activities. Then the viola
fairy departs as she came with a maniacal laugh to the strains of
Hindemith's Viola Concerto. The queen is inconsolable and faints dead away.
The act ends with general confusion and despair and a lot of bodies on the
floor. ACT 2
By royal proclamation, the king and queen ban every viola in the land. They
are collected and destroyed in a huge bonfire which is a precursor of the
Immolation scene in Die Gotterdamerung, except here it is known as the
Violation scene. String quartets now consist of two violins a cello and a
banjo. The alto clef is outlawed. In this way they hope to thwart The
Trampler's curse. The ruling is appealed by the court jesters, inexplicably
named Ping, Pang and Pong, who say that without viola jokes they have
practically lost their entire repertoire. They sing a trio, called Die
Bratschenwurst, consisting almost entirely of viola jokes.
[The viola jokes are the best preserved part of the opera; although less
than 5% of the libretto they account for almost 50% of the napkins on which
the libretto is preserved. Musical historians have not found any evidence
of viola jokes predating these, and it is probable that Mozart is the
source of this rich body of musical humor.]
Die Bratschenwurst Trio
Ping: What's the definition of a minor second?
Pang: Two violists playing in unison.
Pong: What do you do with a dead violist?
Pang: Move him back a chair.
Ping: How do you get a dozen violists to play in tune?
Pang: Kill eleven of them?
Pong: How can you tell when a violist is playing out of tune?
Pang: The bow is moving.
Ping: What do you call a violist with two brain cells?
Pang: Pregnant.
Pong: What's the range of a viola?
Pang: As far as you can kick it.
Ping: What is the longest viola joke?
Pang: Harold in Italy.
Pong: What is the most popular recording of William Walton's Viola Concerto?
Pang: Music Minus One.
The king, although greatly amused, refuses to lift the ban and the
comedians depart disconsolately. But unknown to them, the language teacher
Don Blanco is a closet violist. This is not to say that he plays the viola
secretly, but in fact plays what is called a closet viola. It has a hinged
back and opens to hold a change of clothes and other necessities, since
violists often have to leave town suddenly. Don Blanco, a recent visitor to
the country, is unaware of the royal decree and continues to play it. Since
he rarely has visitors, apart from his friend the pizza entrepreneur
PapaGino, no one is the wiser. We meet Don Blanco together with PapaGino,
who is bragging about his pizza franchises throughout Europe. PapaGino
sings about the numbers of different toppings one can find in different
lands; 200 in France 300 in Spain and 1003 in Italy!
Meanwhile, the princess Violetta is sent to Don Blanco to study German.
Inevitably, she hears him playing and becomes enraptured. Instead of coming
a few hours each week, Violetta practically becomes a house guest and makes
incessant demands on Don Blanco that he teach her to play the viola. Don
Blanco, thinking that no one in her right mind would want this, naturally
assumes that Violetta is enamored of him. The fact that the princess is a
virgin, makes her even more desirable. At one point, when he is alone with
her, he takes a cigar from his pocket and sings a piece Mozart later
recycled in his better known Exultate Jubilate; the aria Tu Virginum
Corona. [Think about that.]
ACT III
The king and queen make a great celebration when Violetta turns sixteen.
They mistakenly think they have defeated the viola fairy, since they know
nothing about Don Blanco. With all the guests assembled, Violetta makes an
entrance with Don Blanco, and to the horror of all comes in playing a
viola! She has not really mastered the instrument (who could?) and makes
quite a hash out of Harold in Italy. (It sounds more like Harold in
Belchertown.) The guests cover their ears with their hands, pillows, mince
pies, and anything else they can find to muffle the sound. Don Blanco,
upset by this reaction, takes the viola from the princess to show how it
should be played, but the guests still refuse to listen. Suddenly the viola
fairy appears through a fiery gap that opens in the floor. She is about to
gloat over her triumph when she becomes aware of Don Blanco's playing.
Instantly, she falls in love with him. Transformed by love, she sings O
Viola D'Amore and lifts the curse from Violetta. As the act, and the opera,
end she carries the violently resisting Don Blanco off with her into the
pit and to the infernal regions.
The last vocal sound is Don Blanco's anguished "aaaah!". The notes of
Walton's Viola Concerto can be distantly heard from the fiery pit.
FINIS
Burn the violas. Burn them I say. lmao, Frigging fabulous.
I played the cello in school, many many years ago. We were unfortunate not to have that beautiful viola. Actually, I can't say I have ever met a violaist. I have to take the part of the under musician.
This was funny.
I fear that I am not a player, just a wannabee, so much of the humor went over my head, but the part I did catch was funny.
This must have been difficult to copy.
Thanks.
Bob
I should show this to my orchestra teacher. I think she'd appreciate it. lol
Thank you that has solved along standing problem for me I loved the humour.
Bob if you are a wanabee you are 1/2 way there go for it.
I'm naming my children Ping, Pang, and Pong.
Very entertaining story.
Hahaha! I should also show this to my friend who plays the viola. She'd be a little annoyed, but I think she'd like it all the same.